growing pains

I’ve got a cup of milo to warm my hands, I am surrounded by journals and books and lists, I have things half packed all over my room and I am sitting at my favourite spot in all of my room.

I am trying to prepare myself physically, but also mentally to pick my life up and move an hour away, where I know a total of about 3 people. If you haven’t figured it out yet, I am moving to University, something that I am dreading. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because it’s completely new to me. Maybe it’s because it’s one of those first steps from moving away from home for good. Trying to trust God and allow him to speak peace into this uneasy heart has not been a walk in the park. Somedays, I grab my journal and scribble all my feelings down about this life change. Others, it’s 3 or 4 cups of coffee because I couldn’t sleep the night before because my mind just wouldn’t shut off. In all seasons, I want to praise God for what he is doing, even when it seems like life is stagnant. I am learning how to shout my praises when I know that God is always working behind the scenes. I am learning how to whisper my praises when life is falling apart but I am loved by a God who always has it all together.

There would never be any growth if we didn’t have hardships. If there wasn’t moments where you sank to the floor in tears because you just can’t do it anymore. If there wasn’t moments where you throw your hands up and say, God I’m done. It’s all yours. There wouldn’t be growth if we were not put in places that tested our faith, pushed us to the edge and made us really seek out why we believe in a God who we can not see. These moments are hard. There is so much growth when we walk out the other side saying, I know I could’t have done that without you Papa, thank you for always holding my hand.

I realize the more I seek out Jesus every single day, I am wrecked by his love for me. He brings us through these trials because he wants us to grow. We are simply a piece of metal until he puts us through the fire, knowing that he can create beauty, but it must be refined.

I often take out old notebooks that I have filled with dreams, heartaches and prayers. I can see the growth, simply in that. He is continually refining me, through the trials I know he never leaves.

For me, moving away is a trial I am going to face. I also can tell you that I am not going to walk this journey alone, I have my Father walking every step with me.

Blessings + hugs,


cotton candy + heaven

It has been a long time since I have opened this laptop and clicked on wordpress instead of anything else. It’s been a long time cause life has been crazy. I am trying to juggle work, a long distance relationship and getting things ready for school. I am done work in a short 2 weeks, but then I jump into university. All summer, I was in this season of waiting and now that I can see the end, I am not sure I am ready to be done. I am not sure, because that means leaving the comforts that I have built up, I’m moving away and jumping into something you have never done before is scary.

Last night, I lead worship at AWAKEN, which is a young adult group that I attend on Sunday nights. And let me just tell you that I completely messed up two of the songs, and because I don’t play an instrument, it’s a lot harder for me to find where we are if I get lost. So, if you can picture me, I just messed up the songs really bad and I am standing on stage and I start laughing. God told me in that moment, He’s like, “Natalie, worshiping Me is not perfect, you are still finding the joy in Me.” I had a choice where I could get off the stage because I was so embarrassed, or I could push through for the real reason that I was there. I was there to worship God, not to impress people with my voice, I was simply there because I love to worship God. I am learning that life is so messy. We as humans? We are not perfect and never will be. But that’s okay! Because we serve a perfect God who loves us through the mess. He has been teaching me this lately, and last night was just one of the many examples that have happened. Sometimes it blows my mind, that we can not describe God, how the heck can you call Him good when He is so much greater then good? The same happens when I think about heaven, I can imagine all these incredible things that it could be like, and then I look down at my hands and move my fingers, or I get up and walk and think, wait a second. He designed me, he created this body that can move and talk without thinking about it first. He designed me that I don’t have to think about breathing or making my heart beat. Then I think that He created Heaven and how whatever I think and how cool Heaven will be, it is so much greater then that. I would love if Heaven had unlimited cotton candy though.

I think for me that sometimes I get so focused in on what I am doing, that I can miss out on the little gold nugs ┬áthat God is teaching me. When I was standing in church on Sunday morning, The pastor walked up and began talking about worship. He said that he thinks that God looks forward to these times where His children come together and simply worship him. It’s not perfect, but he loves it all the same. God spoke a lot through that to me about coming to him to simply worship Him, to sit in His presence amidst the crazy that is going on around us.

I am a work in progress.

I always will be.

But I serve a God who is perfect beyond all compare.

I am learning to continually find my joy in Him.

Sometimes that means standing on a stage holding a microphone and laughing so hard because you messed up the songs and being okay with that.

Sometimes that means simply being in his presence and continuing my day with His joy in my heart.

I am still learning and always will.

Blessings + Hugs,