joy soaked words

finding my way

Month: September, 2017

I said goodbye.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” CS. Lewis.

I was vulnerable. He was vulnerable. We both put our hearts out there and it was the greatest adventure of my life. We loved. We cried and we laughed. We trusted. FaceTime calls. Late night talks. Flying to another country to spend time with each other. Four of the best months of my life. Four of the hardest too.

We gave it everything we had. I wouldn’t change one thing about these last four months. Not one. But God has different plans in mind. He is calling us to different things, and it is incredibly selfish for both of us to hang on when we know that God is calling us to different things, different adventures. It was the most loving thing we could for each other was to let go.

These past four months have given me a glimpse of what it means for Christ to pursue His Church. Merely a glimpse. That is an un relentless love.

The Father is so close, He is closer to the wind on my skin. I want more. More of him. He needs to be my first love, forever.

We said our goodbyes. Prayers upon prayers, and we both came to a conclusion, that it was time to say goodbye. The hardest goodbye I’ve ever had to say, but a goodbye that was filled with The Father’s peace.

I thought and prayed about how to say this. Where and even if I should say it. I felt like this blog was the best place to, it’s where I’ve opened up my heart again and again.

Blessings and tear soaked hugs,

Nat

tulips

I was sitting in my Religion class today, I’ve got the dreaded head cold so I’m not really feeling all that well.

We were talking about Genesis 1 + 2, how Adam and Eve came to be. My professor brought up an idea that I had never really thought of before.

Here’s how it went.

Do you think that Adam and Eve spent their time in the garden just sitting around waiting for God to come and chat with them? I don’t think so, I think that they were exploring God’s creation, finding new things every single time they looked. When God came back, they would probably run to him telling him that they discovered a tulip, or a daisy, being so excited at the mere fact of a newly discovered flower. Can you imagine how full God’s heart was? How excited he was at their joy.

This got me thinking, even though it hurts to think right now. It’s been Advil cold and sinus and honey lemon tea all day long. How we miss out on his creation every single day. When is the last time you got excited about a sunrise or a sunset because of the beauty that exists within it? Growing up, I always imagined that God took out a massive paint brush, and decided each night what he was going to paint across the sky. Purple. Pink. Orange. Red. I still believe this somedays, when the sunsets are nothing but breathtaking.

Babies breath, my favourite flower. I know, its considered a filler flower for bouquets, but the flowers are so tiny and yet so intricately designed and created. How God is overwhelmed with joy when we marvel in his creation.

Also. I changed my blog name. It’s been a long time coming, and a needed change. I chose joy soaked words as my new blog name. I don’t plan to change the content and what I blog about, but I want these words to be joy soaked. Jesus soaked.

Plus, since this is the first blog with the new name, I thought I would do another hey it’s nat kinda thing.

So yeah. My name is Nat, I am a first year student at Redeemer University Collage, studying psychology with a minor in criminal justice. I am deep deep in love with the creator of me, and I also love hugs. I love coffee dates more then anything in the world, and coffee shops too. Can coffee dates be a love language? I love words, writing and letters. I believe in snail mail, and often write letters for people cause God put them on my heart. I am learning that everyday is a choice, a choice to seek Jesus, a choice to love, and i’ve got the choice to have joy. I am the second of four kids, and I’ve got an incredible family supporting me and cheering me on. I love sunrises, early mornings and extra hot coffee. London fogs with almond milk. I belt out the wrong words at red lights and have some pretty awesome worship jams with Jesus in my car. So hi. Welcome to my blog, joy soaked words.

Blessings + hugs,

Nat

gentle love

My fingers are flying across the screen, trying to put into words what my heart is trying to say.

James 1:2.

Consider it pure joy, when trials come your way.

Consider it pure joy when trials come your way.

Pure joy. Uh what? How the heck  can trials be pure joy? Something isn’t adding up in my mind. When trials come, I want to hide in a corner, journal in hand and coffee in the other. I disappear, because I don’t want to face what I am going though. I avoid tackling the problem face on, because I am afraid of what may come from it.

But Jesus.

Jesus. The one who shows me, with the most gentle way possible that when I face a trial with him, it can be pure joy. It can be pure joy when we walk through trials because we have Jesus by our side.

I am two weeks deep in university life. Two weeks deep in textbooks and readings. Two weeks deep in a whole lot of ramen eating. Two weeks deep in learning how to once again live in community. This is one heck of a trial. I’ve almost cried about 4 times today, just overwhelmed with the mere fact of what I am doing. I am enrolled in a school that costs a whole lot of money, studying for a degree I don’t know what I am going to use it for, in a long distance relationship and learning how to not accept what the world sets for standards. I don’t want to live for the world, I only want Jesus. I want him to be my waking thought from the moment my eyes open in the morning, till I drift off to sleep at night. I want nothing but him. I have all of these dreams, big and little. Cool and sometimes stupid. As much as I want to accomplish and say I did it, above all I want Jesus.

He shows me that this trial I am going through is pure joy because he is walking alongside me.

I am still going to have moments what the world says become my standards. I am still going to have moments where I don’t know what else to say other then “I need a hug” while tears are rolling down my cheeks. I am still going to have moments where I lift my head, raise my arms towards heaven and say I can’t do it without you Papa. I can’t.

This trial called university? It’s pure joy to walk through it with Him. Tears and all.

I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again. I am merely a lump of clay in the potter’s hand. He is crafting me, refining me. This trial won’t be the last, and it’s not the first. He is growing me, stretching me.

What a joy.

Such a joy.

Somedays, it won’t feel like a joy to walk through it. It will feel like your world is crashing down around you, but let me remind you that He is still good. He hasn’t left, and he never will. He’s the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.

So my friends, consider it pure joy when trials come your way.

Sweet blessings and extra tight bear hugs coming your way tonight,

Nat

learning

I just wrote one of these. A blog/ where Nat just pours out her heart thing. But actually guys, Jesus is continually speaking, softly and I don’t always want to listen. Sometimes I sit there and argue with Jesus about what he is trying to talk to me about. Sometimes there are tears. But I’m always humbled by his love for me. I stand humbled by Him. I’m being real with all ya all. Being here at university, it’s exactly where I need to be. Being where God wants you to be has to be the best kind of peace ever. I fought before coming here though. I looked at all my different possibilities, I wanted to go back to YWAM, I wanted to take another year off, I looked at transferring, I looked at jobs instead of being excited for being at school. I wasn’t excited, there was times where I thought I was excited, but it was mostly dread. I dreaded everything. Now that I am here, I can’t believe that I wasn’t excited for this. I missed out on so much that He was speaking to me, because I was worried about what people were going to think of me. How I was going to get the grades I need to stay and do well. How I was going to make friends. Who was going to be in my dorm. Fears that were not from Him, but rather somebody who has lost all power because Jesus won that fight. He has won. There is no fear in Jesus. No fear. I am learning how to be all here. Fully here. I am trying to make friends. I am trying to make a lasting impact because I want His love to shine through me. I have seen more then enough to prove that there really is a God out there. I’ve seen people healed, people completely transformed. I’ve been transformed.

I think that when you are where God wants you and has you, is an incredibly special place. It’s even more special when you don’t want to be there, because thats when the most growth happens. It’s where you throw up your hands and surrender all, because you don’t know where to turn next. It’s where you learn what it means to fully trust, and also where you feel His love like you never have before. For me? University is honestly the last place I want to be right now. I am growing like crazy, being stretched and I am learning what it means to fully surrender my dreams. He is continually growing me and showing me, I can’t wait to see what he has next for me. God, you are so incredible. Show me more of your heart. More of you Papa, that’s all I want.

Blessings + Extra tight bear hugs,

Nat

love really does.

I’m here. I’m moved in, and almost finished a week of classes. I’m doing this. I have to repeatedly tell myself, that I’m not giving up. I’m only an hour away from home instead of a five hour plane ride and I get to see my sweet sis in the hall every now and then. I am loving the classes, and I am trying to make friends. Slowly but surely right? The work load is beginning to seem overwhelming, but i’ve got this and I’m not giving up. This week, God has been whispering in my ear every single day, every single moment. He keeps talking, he keeps me grounded. There has been some crazy emotions these past couple days, i’ve cried harder then I have in a long time, but i’ve also found the joy I knew I was missing.

Something that I am continually learning, is that love does. Love really does. I am in a new place, new people. A new life style. I am going into this year with the mindset that I want to love people with everything I have inside of me. I want to pour out the love that Jesus has filled me with, because I know he is continually filling me up so I can pour out. “Pour out nat, so I can fill you up.” These are the words he keeps whispering to me. He tells me when I am running thorough the rain to get to class, or in the quiet mornings while I make coffee to wake me up.

I am so beyond excited and honestly I get a little overwhelmed when I think about what he is doing in my life, and how he is using me. I am his clay, and he is the potter. I am a lump and he is shaping me into the most beautiful piece of priceless art. Priceless. I am priceless. I was created by him. I sometimes think or try to imagine want God was thinking when he was creating us. How his heart was just so full of love and excitement for who we would be become. How he designed every single part of us, down to our fingerprints. I know it sounds cliche, but he knows how many hairs on our head, and I don’t know about you but I am constantly losing hair and he still knows. He still knows.

I write this often, but it’s what’s on my heart. HOW MUCH THE HECK HE LOVES ME. I don’t even know, I can’t even begin to understand how much he loves me.

Anyways, back to the title. Love really does. I challenge you to love like love does. Go out and write letters to people because you are just appreciative of who they are. Give hugs. Lots of hugs. Be a support system for people who need you.

So yeah. I’ll be here pouring out so he can fill me back up. Writing papers and studying random things about psych. Jesus is my fuel and coffee is pretty needed these days. God is incredible. What he is doing blows me away every single day. Pushing forward to what he has for me.

Blessings + hugs,

Nat

PS. If you have chocolate. or nutella. send my way.