here now.

I cried ugly tears the other night. I was washing dishes and having a conversation with my sister about having my room back when I moved home for the summer. Elbows deep in hot soapy water, the tears were burning my eyes as I tried to explain why I needed my room back. I explained that I wasn’t trying to be selfish, that I needed the space to create, to write and a space to come to when I was overwhelmed. It is the room that I had stayed in for the past 5 years, and I needed it back for 4 months. She was gracious towards me, even when she could have told me to suck it up and stay with Julia. I don’t know why I cried. Why it wasn’t just a few tears dripping off my cheeks, but rather a full on cry, snot and tears. I also don’t know why I needed to know then. That I won’t be moving home until April, but I needed the security of knowing that I would have that space back when it was time for me to move home.

The same sort of thing happened last year. I was two weeks deep into university, into my first year. I told my sister that I was terrified to figure out who I was going to live with. That there was so much doubt and insecurity in my life, that I was worried about who I was going to live with and I had just started. God has done a lot of work in my life since that conversation, on the sidewalk in downtown Hamilton. He keeps reminding me to stop worrying, because he’s got it. It’s funny to look back now, to see his hand in everything. That I decided to apply to RA an hour before I wrote my Religion exam, even though I was like 3 months late in applying because I had heard that they needed more RA’s. How I found out in the middle of the summer that I would have the honour of living with a group of first years. With Claire.

He knew.

Holy moly did he know.

I like to think that God laughs. I think he laughed when I was worried about who I was going to live with this year, how he already knew and was telling me to stop worrying.

I’ve said it before. I like to make a place a home, even if I’m there for just a short period of time. He’s calling me to crazy things, I feel it in my bones. I also feel that maybe for this time period he is calling me to a dresser instead of a suitcase. To be here for the 7 months I have left, and then to figure out what’s next. Instead of being so caught up in trying to figure out what’s next that I am missing out on seeing his grace right here and now.

It’s such a beautiful time. I am walking out of a deep valley, and I am beginning to seek the joy that I know I had lost. I am seeing his Hand in my life. He is showing me that his grace is exactly what I need for right now, and that he will lead me to the next adventure when it’s time.

I’ve been learning to fight. To fight my battles with him. Because he is forever good. He is forever good.

For now, find me with a pencil in my hand. Learning grammar youtube videos on my laptop. Elevation worship playing through my headphones. Laughing with Claire and discovering more about Jesus and his crazy love for me. Find me with a hot coffee in the morning, and a kombucha in the afternoon. Find me under a fuzzy blanket with earl grey tea with honey. Find me here. Because I am staying in the here now.

Here now.

Big ole bear hug and his sweetest blessings.

nat.