Not the kind of “I didn’t get enough sleep last night” kind of tired, but the kind of tired that you throw up your arms and say “Oh God, be my strength.”
The kind of tired that begins to creep into conversations and I realize that I haven’t been listening to half of what the other person sitting across me in a coffee shop has been saying.
That prayer, “Oh God, be my strength” felt like a form of defeat for me last week. I had taken on too much, and was stretched too thin – but in reality that’s what it means to be a Jesus follower. To allow him to be our strength, it’s a prayer that should cross our lips on the daily. It’s not a form of defeat, but rather a reality that we can’t do it all on our own.
These skin and bones that cover my soul are worn out. I’ve been ‘going’ without asking Jesus about what’s next. I’ve been ‘going’ and not taking the time to ‘be’.
I am the type of person that in a moment of crisis or stress, I stick with it. I used to run from problems or stressful moments, but after working as the Head Cook at Summer Camp, I learned it’s a lot better to deal with things in the moment. I get through whatever stressful moment / crisis that has happened, and then I let myself fall. I allow myself to feel the emotions that I hadn’t let myself feel earlier, and the overwhelmingness starts to creep in.
I’ve gotten good at storing these things away in the boxes that sit on shelves in my mind. I store it away to deal with later, but the later always seems to come at a time that I shouldn’t be dealing with my emotions – but I am.
The box labeled “I’m tired, and overworked” has begun to be reopened. It ripped it’s tape off the week before reading break, and I hardly had enough energy to finish that week, let alone feel like I finished it well. There was one thing after another that needed my attention, and I was moving through the week with energy that I felt I was rationing out. Reading break has been really good for me, and has given me the space to rest.
The box is still open – I knew a week wouldn’t be enough to deal with everything inside. Burnout is one of the main ones that keeps threatening to come out.
This box shows up, and I throw up my hands “Oh God, be my strength.”
I know that life doesn’t just stop so that I can catch up. It’s about learning how to catch up while life is still going on. I’m learning. I think I am forever learning.
It’s fair to say I’m tired. But with those words being uttered, also come the ones “Oh God, be my strength.”
Powerful words to pray, but He doesn’t take them lightly.