I struggle with overthinking. I was waiting back to hear back from a job that I had applied for next year, a job that if I didn’t get it, it would change my entire fourth year experience. I wrote this blog post in that waiting period, but I never pressed publish. I’m not sure why, but I’m pressing publish now.
I’ve camped out in the land of what if’s.
I pitched a tent here, and some part of me thought it would be a good place to stay for a while. Explore my options while I’m here, to think about next steps.
I got caught up in it and stayed much longer then I intended to be, and the Lord reminded me that I was still camped out here, and asked if I had any plans to leave. To pack away all of these questionings and fears back into my backpack that were spread all over my campsite, and leave that backpack at his feet. The fears and worries that have me spiraling right now are out of my control, and I know that I am wasting my time and energy worrying about them.
It’s time to pack up my tent and put it back in it’s bag. Move out of the land of what if’s – because this land drains your energy until you have nothing left. It’s hard to leave, but when you do, you won’t look back.
I am aware that this whole idea of trusting God with something, taking off the backpack and putting it at his feet is hard. Sometimes it even feels impossible, and it’s the last thing you want to do. When it’s still in your hands, at least you feel as if you have a little bit of control over what happens, even if you don’t.
I also know God is gentle. He doesn’t get frustrated with you when you decide that you don’t want to leave the tent. Step out into the unknown. He doesn’t pry, rather he holds out his hands for you to put that heavy backpack in them. He waits for you, even when he knows that His calling for your life is better than the one you have planned out.
I don’t know what this next season of my life holds yet, but I know that it is time for me to step out of the tent and pack it away. Take off this backpack that I keep adding to, and putting it in His hands. It’s gotten so heavy, I know that there is apart of me that is afraid of what it might feel like to take it off. The nervousness of finally feeling freedom, after you’ve been entrapped for so long.
I’m happy to announce to the blogging world that I have been given the job – which means a spot on campus for me. I learned a lot about myself in that waiting period, but also more about who God is.
The land of what if’s is not a nice place to be, it’s not worth the energy of pitching a tent as I have learned. Next time, I hope to just pass through, maybe stop and talk to the other people who have camped out in that land and show them that the Land of What If’s is a soul and energy sucking place that in the end, gets you nowhere.