I put together a list of twenty two things I have learned, over the past twenty two years that I have been earthside. One of those things on that list, was that I have learned to grieve lost experiences. I rang in my birthday at 4:30AM in the morning the other day. I had to take one of the girls that I was living with to the airport at 5AM, and my alarm went off at 4:30. I laid in bed for a moment, and whispered happy birthday to myself, knowing this was not the way that I wanted to spend my birthday – packing and cleaning and avoiding friends. I cried while scrubbing the kitchen floor, so many memories came flooding back from conversations we had while perched up on the counter. I realized that I was beginning the grieving process of lost experiences.
The world has found itself to be in a state of chaos in the last two weeks. All of a sudden, schools are closed, weddings are being cancelled, we are now told to social distance, amidst everything else that is going on.
All of a sudden, everything that I knew and was looking forward to, was ripped from my hands. I was left crying on the couch of a friend, unable to process what I had to do next, let alone the next number of months that hung in a balance that nobody, absolutely nobody knows how long will last.
And I am back, living with my parents. Learning how to grieve something that wasn’t exactly physical. There was no warm body for me to hug, to experience things with, memories to be made, before that person died. It is rather things that I won’t be able to experience now, these are the things that I find myself trying to grieve.
I know that I need to give myself the space to grieve, the space to sit with the Lord about what I have lost.
The light is still coming. I believe that.
I don’t know what it means to grieve like this, I don’t know if I have ever had to – at least to this extent. It comes in waves, hitting me when I least expect it. I think that I have come to terms with what is going on, and then I am reminded of something else that I will be missing out on.
To whoever reads this blog,
You are allowed to grieve. It’s a process, not one that is done overnight. You need to allow yourself to feel the sadness that is welling up inside of you. Take it to Jesus and sit with him about it. He wants to process it with you.
It’s a process. Know that.
This all being said, there is now a lot more time on my hands to write. I will (hopefully) be blogging more, showing up more to my writing account on instagram, and so forth.
If you need some encouragement in this time, send me an email – email@example.com with your address for some snail mail.